Sloppy Second Thoughts

So would I do it all again? Well, I can say it's been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I can also say that I love Steve even more than I loved him before we moved in together. I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about him. Can you feel a big but (no, not a big butt, although there's one of those, too) coming on?

In the past month, I've realized that if I knew everything I know now, I would not have leaped. That doesn't mean that I want to end it---I don't. But I'd have done things differently. Steve pushed me until I had no options but to leap right then. Well, I shouldn't say I had no options. But he was very persuasive. I told him that I wanted to wait what was then five years, until Tom was out of high school. He said we had no way of knowing what five years would bring. I suggested three years---Alex would be almost out of high school, and Tom would be well situated. No, three years was too long as well. He told me, "I'm an impatient man. I want what I want when I want it." He moved into the mother-in-law suite they had downstairs in their house. Once he was in that suite, and had told Alex that he was planning to move out entirely, his impatience increased. He made calls to my house phone late at night when I didn't answer my cell. He even made a call to Tom's phone once. He told me that he felt like he'd done everything to move things forward and I still wasn't moving. I steeled myself and told Mark I wanted a divorce. No need to get into all of the details, but Mark wasn't destroyed, just inconvenienced.

Steve, in the meantime, had a talk or two with Ann, but never got anything settled. I went through my entire divorce and moved in with Steve, but things were never spelled out clearly on his side. One of the odd features of all of this is that Pennsylvania used to be a common-law state, and people who lived together before common law marriages were abolished may still be subject to the rules. Steve saw a lawyer who told him there were no grounds to believe that he would accidentally find himself married, but he never followed through with anything. So there is a chance that Steve could be married, and I, who actually got married, am divorced. Sloppy enough for you?

I am actually rather old-fashioned about some things. Back when Steve was courting me, he twice made oblique, semi-marriage proposals. No, they weren't get-down-on-his-knee-and-give-her-a-ring proposals, but he definitely expressed his desire that we be married. "KJM is good," he said, referring to my initials, "but KJC is better." It was my understanding that he wanted to be married when I was free. He even discussed where with me. I remember feeling a little nervous about that because of my credit score, but I guess there is some law now that says your credit score doesn't transfer to your spouse. I expected that moving in together was a step towards marriage, but since we moved in together, there has been no talk of marriage. And, of course, we can't be married until all of his legal entanglements are worked out.

So, one reason I would not leap so quickly again is because, when I decided to ask Mark for the divorce, I did so because I felt like I was not doing my part. I was dragging my feet and Steve had gone through great trouble and pain to hold up his side of the bargain. Well, since then, it seems that Steve has had second thoughts. He has, to my relief, started to do things to make me feel a bit more as if we are a unit. He's added me to his insurance, made me his emergency contact. But I still think he'd rather be back home, miserable with Ann, but not guilt-ridden over Alex. Alex, by the way, is doing just fine with everything. He is excelling in school, has a girlfriend, and seems perfectly well adjusted. It is Tom who has had problems adjusting, because of course, more has changed for him. He is the one who moved houses, at the same time he was changing schools. And I have tried to make him feel comfortable here, but he doesn't, particularly. He's doing well in school this year after a rough freshman year, but he still doesn't seem happy.

Which brings me to my second reason. Tom. I talked about making Mark unhappy, but I didn't fully realize how much everything would unsettle Tom. Steve tries, he really does, but he is so torn up by the idea that he is not living with Alex that he usually barely tolerates Tom. He chastises him for things that he should just let slide. A small example: We had dinner for Jenna (her husband was supposed to come but had to work) and my friend Sally, who'd come down from New York. Tom was happy and engaged, especially seeing Jenna, whom he likes a lot. It was great to see him so happy. I put guacamole and chips on the table right before we served the rest of the meal. I probably should have put it out sooner, maybe in the living room, but I didn't. Tom, who loves my guacamole, took a chip and dipped it. Steve immediately said, "Tom, wait until everyone is served to start eating." Tom said, politely, "I'm sorry, I thought it was an appetizer." I said, "I did, too." Steve said, "Well, it wouldn't be on the table...blah blah" Then, "Jesus Christ!" And Tom was deflated. Not a huge deal, but just enough to make him feel uncomfortable. And to make me feel wracked with guilt. Alex does a couple of things I find a little rude, but I try to make him feel comfortable. Whenever I tell Steve this, he just gets mad. He cannot get the idea that maybe he should be cutting Tom some slack until Tom feels more comfortable. Instead, he seems to take Tom's discomfort as a slight, so it keeps escalating. Back when they first met, Tom really liked Steve, because Steve was trying to win Tom over. So if I had to do it over again, I would put Tom's well-being ahead of my own.

Reason three has to do with that cliffhanger I talked about---Steve's time in San Francisco. I am not going to go into all the details---yet, but you have probably already figured out that he met someone there. This is not a nameless one-night, or two-night stand, this is a woman he talks to, texts, and IMs daily---or at least did until recently. I asked him to stop communicating with her (in e-mail, my favorite way to have difficult discussions, LOL), and he sent back a sort of "code" e-mail that implied he would stop. But usually when Steve makes oblique references, it means he's not doing what he's hinting at. And given that this was after almost a month of his knowing just how much this bothered me, I am going to guess that he hasn't stopped communicating. I can't find out, though, because he has put a password on his phone (that's how I found out to begin with) and has changed all the passwords he so freely gave me a couple of years ago, for his e-mail, computer, etc. I don't think she's that important to him, but I also have discovered that I am not important enough for him to do anything that he doesn't want to. And that's the big reason I would not do it again. I leaped because I wanted more than anything else in the world to make this man happy, because I was absolutely, positively sure that he would do the same for me. And now I know that he would not. So my love for him is permanently tinged by the fact that I am more hung up on him than he is on me.